ASK ANGIE^TM
By Angela Hallier, Esq.
Answers to your divorce and family law questions

NAUGHTY OR NICE?

This month, I'm going to provide you with some tips I've gathered from my experience as a family law attorney on how to make the best of the holidays for your children if you are divorced, separated or a part of a step-family. Here are some ideas on how to make (or break) the holiday cheer for the children in your family:

HOLIDAY TIME-SHARING

Naughty: Make sure you let your child know how upset you are that they will be celebrating any part of the holiday without you. Examples of this naughty behavior are: "I will miss you so much on Christmas Eve - I am going to hate being all alone." Or, "You have to go to your dad's for part of Hanukkah so we won't get to be together." Or how about, "You won't get to go to Grandma's over the holidays because the Court ordered you to go to your mom's." These messages to your child really say that neither they nor their other parent -- who they very likely love as much as you -deserve to enjoy the holidays and they should feel guilty that they won't be with you. Nice: "You're such a lucky child, you're going to get to celebrate Christmas twice!" Or, "Your mother and I have come up with a plan so that you can see both of us and have two holidays with two families that love you very much and we're all going to have a lot of fun!"

THE GIVING OF GIFTS

Naughty: "Don't you dare bring gifts your mother has given you into my house and don't you dare take my gifts to her house." Or, "What a stupid thing for your dad's girlfriend to buy you." The message you're giving your child is that -- despite the fact you were once in love enough with the other parent to procreate -- you now despise your former spouse so much that reminders of them are not allowed in your home, even if it means ruining your child's enjoyment of a well-intentioned gift. In this scenario, the motive is to make yourself (not your child) feel better by diminishing the gifts or other holiday observances of the other parent. Nice: "How exciting your father gave you the X-Box that you've been wanting! I can't wait to see it so you can show me how it works!" Or, how about, "Of course you can take your favorite new toy to your dad's home to show him. I bet he'll enjoy playing with it, too! Try to remember to bring it home so you can enjoy it here after the holidays."

WE'RE BROKE AND IT'S HIS/HER FAULT

Naughty: Put a naughty twist on the holidays by telling your child that you pay so much in child support and/or spousal maintenance that you don't have any money to buy the gifts they want; or, conversely, tell your child that the other parent doesn't pay their support the way they're supposed to, so the holidays just won't be what they used to be. The message to your child is that the other parent is responsible for ruining your child's life (and yours) and implying that your child should be as angry as you are, and take sides. Better yet, ask your child to ask the other parent for the money they owe you. Tell them if they don't collect, there won't be anything under the tree. Nice: "Sometimes mommies and daddies aren't able to buy everything on your wish list, but we're going to have a wonderful holiday together." Or, if funds are tight, try being a real grownup and pooling resources with your ex-spouse on that one gift your child really wants that neither of you can afford on your own. Don't fight about at whose house the toy will be presented. Maybe you can both give it to the child together at the holiday parenting exchange. Your child will appreciate the two of you acting like adults and they will get their special gift. You should also consult with your former spouse regarding which items on your child's wish list each of you will purchase so that your child's wish list is fulfilled with no duplication or one-upsmanship.

Finally, a naughty/nice experience from my own life. When my daughter was young, she went to visit her father out of state for Christmas. I had confided in him that "Santa" was bringing her first "big-girl's" bicycle that year. I was surprised when she called me on Christmas and told me that she knew she was getting a bike from me. Naughty or nice? You decide. But remember, it's up to you to determine the type of holiday your special little ones experience this year. Make it NICE!

It is always advisable to seek the counsel of a qualified attorney who can advise you specifically about your case. The information in this column is provided for general information only in the state of Arizona, is not specific to any one case and does not create an attorney-client relationship between the author and the reader. ©2003 - 2008 Hallier Law Firm PLC

ASK ANGIE^TM is published monthly in Arizona Trends Magazine.